Early this morning, Charles had a bath. He doesn't have a fever anymore. Hopefully it doesn't come back. He has been eating with no problem, taking his meds, and although he is still a bit congested, he is doing well. They are lowering his methadone and ativan. He is almost off of the ativan. (He is on 0.1mL of ativan. 0.2mL of methadone.) Today is going to be a pretty quiet day for the two of us. He isn't allowed to eat after midnight tonight so he will be placed on IV fluids. Tomorrow morning, they will take the broviac out and do an echo. Assuming his echo comes back okay, we can leave on Thursday! That would be fantastic. :D
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| Starting to take the binky again. He loves that lamb. <3 |
I am going to have to make sure Tim has the co-sleeper set up and has gotten rid of the bassinet. (Charlie is wayyyy too long for the bassinet now, but the co-sleeper is made for babies up to 30lbs.) I've been going over some wedding stuff we need to get set up. Other than that, not much to do up here but count the minutes and seconds until we go home. Updates later.
So today has been very quite as far as Charlie's progress, but I can't shake the stress. In the three weeks we have been up here, I have managed to feel more and more alone. Just when I feel connected to Timithy and feel like my family, Tim, Addison, Charlie, and I, are going to be a complete, strong family unit, it all falls apart. I am no longer getting married any time soon, It's a complete disappointment, but I've come to expect that from people nowadays. There are very few people who never manage to let me down. I don't think I have ever felt so isolated, physically, emotionally, and mentally ever. I feel like I want to break down and cry at any moment, but I can't. It's like no one understands how difficult this all is. No one can look beyond their own opinion and selfishness to see that despite the fact that Charles's surgery went well, and he is doing okay right now, there is a LONG road ahead. This is not the end of this. My stress and depression and anxiety and anger doesn't end here because we will be leaving the hospital soon hopefully. I am so drained and so beyond intolerant of ignorant people that I just don't know what to do or say anymore because it is all becoming a fight. The worst question in the world is "How are you doing?" I just want to scream and cry and stomp my feet and throw a tantrum when people ask that because how else can I respond except by saying, "I'm okay." I know that it is a lie, and certainly they know it is, too, but no one cares enough to be honest with me. I cannot stand to talk to people anymore. Everyone thinks they know what I should or shouldn't say or do. They think that I need them to hold my hand and show me how to be a mother and a girlfriend, but they cannot bear to think of anyone but themselves. They have no idea that I am stronger than they will ever be. I have been through more than they could ever handle, and the more amazing thing is that my son is stronger than I could ever hope to be. He has been through hell and back and manages to smile every moment of every day. People can see what Charles has been through, but they just have no idea what I am struggling with, and of course, no one wants to know. Just remember the next time you see me - behind my smile, I am fighting back the urge to break down to pieces. Once Charles and I go home, this blog won't be updated as often as it has been. This laptop will be returned to its owner, and at home, we don't have a computer so I will update when I can. (I will update regularly until we go home though.) Good night, everyone.
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