Monday, March 26, 2012

One Week Post Op

It has been ONE WEEK since Charlie had his surgery. It feels like each day has been equated to a month. The amount of stress and how slowly the days and minutes pass. It seems like it's taking forever for him to make somewhat of a recovery, but today is the day that Charlie will be taken off of the ventilator!!! We are waiting for the echocardiogram which should be soon, and then they will try to wake him up and get him as excited and agitated as last night so the know when they remove the tube, he will be awake enough to breathe on his own. I can't wait to be able to hold him again, to see his smile! My gosh, it feels like it has been forever!
I wanted to say thank you again to Gramma Lue for ordering me the "My Son is a Survivor" sweater. I am serious when I say I am ALWAYS going to be wearing that sweatshirt! If anyone is interested in getting a survivor sweater, they're on the Cafe Press website. They have them for nephews,  nieces,  aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc, and they also have other cool CHD awareness stuff. I will update further after the echo and rounds.

Well, Charlie is staying on the ventilator until tomorrow. He is too sedated to take him off. He needs to wake up more. They lowered his methadone a little last night, but he is still really sleepy which is completely understandable. Also, they had to hold his feeds overnight because he isn't pooping. This is the classic "one step forward, two steps back" feeling. He had two REALLY GOOD days, and today is going to be a tough day. I can already tell. The biggest thing that bothered me this morning was seeing Charles's incision for the first time. Like I mentioned earlier, it seems like it's been forever since we've been here so I expected it to be healed more. I actually had to leave the room because seeing something like that on my child, I am bawling my eyes out just typing this. I plan on talking to the social worker about setting up counseling or something for me. I am not Wonder Woman. I am not as strong as everyone sees me, and things are starting to topple down on top of me. At least, that's what it feels like. The longer we stay in this hospital, the harder it is to cope with things, and although I did feel like I was handling things pretty well given the circumstances, seeing his incision just showed me how unprepared, for lack of a better word, I am. I just want to crawl under the covers and wake up from this shit. I keep waiting for reality to smack me in the face because it's been over a week since we have been here, and still, it seems so surreal. I don't know how to explain it so anyone who hasn't been through it can understand. I will update if there is any other news. It seems today is going to be a pretty quiet day though. More sprints, and that is about it.

No big changes with Charlie. He did sprints pretty much all day, and besides two little episodes of apnea, he is doing awesome. They are weaning him off of the methadone and ativan. He was getting really excited, and his heart rate was going up, and he was breathing real fast so I had to let him chill out and rest when he would get too crazy. I am hoping that I can hold him tomorrow. It's been over a week. It is killing me.
I miss Addison. I got to talk to her a little today, but it's not the same. I just want to see her and hold her and know that she is doing fine. I haven't ever been separated from her for so long.
I miss Timithy too, but it seems like the feeling is not mutual. You know, I have been trying to be as strong as I can, and still I have been breaking down. Seeing my son in the state that he is, it is heartbreaking to a parent, but its like Tim doesn't feel that way. I'm not saying he isn't bothered by what is going on. It's the fact that he doesn't show any emotion about it at all. This is a LIFE CHANGING event, a trauma, a crisis situation that occurred in less than a week, and it seems like it has not hit him. He and I have not talked about it. We haven't talked about how we feel or ANYTHING. Someone told me, "This is either going to make or break your relationship." And they are 100% correct. This is the type of event that can bring a couple closer and make them stronger, or it can drive a wedge between them. It is a time when support and emotional availability needs to be mutual, but it is just non-existing here. I feel like I am alone in all of this. The one person I want to be able to rely on for support and love and open arms is the one person who doesn't want to bother. I don't care who this upsets because it is how I feel, and I have a right to feel this way. Charlie is not just my child. I was not the only one who created this little boy so why does it seem like I am the only one upset that we almost lost him? Why am I the only one rejoicing that Addison and Charlie are both alive and doing well? Why do I feel like I am reaching out to the person I am supposed to marry, the person I created two beautiful children with, and it feels like he is just too busy to ask how Charlie is doing or how I am doing or to see if I want to see Addison.
When an event like this happens, you understand that it is going to take a toll on you, but you never realize the mushroom effect it has. No one ever says, "You're not Superman. It's okay to break down. It's okay to feel like you are losing your mind." Everyone is too busy telling you that everything is going to be okay and that you need to STAY STRONG, but why can't I admit that I am not as strong as it takes to deal with this alone. I need help. Truth is, I am looking into getting help, and if you judge me or see me as weak or whatever, then all I can say is until you walk two moons in my moccasins, you don't have the slightest clue what strength is. As a mother, strength is allowing and having faith in someone to CUT INTO YOUR INFANT'S CHEST AND CUT THEIR F**KING HEART. It's watching your child slowly, and I mean sloooowwwwllllyyyyy, getting better and to see your child with countless IVs and machines and tubes connected to them and to sit by their side every day and do what you can when you can. It's knowing that although it is such a horrible feeling being away from your child for so long recognizing that you have to stay by one's side while being away from the other, and she will understand it when she gets older. Don't talk to me about strength.
With that said, I am going to try to sleep, hoping tomorrow I will get to hold my son AND my daughter. <3

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