Eight Days Post Op

So overnight Charlie spiked a fever, and his white blood cell count is elevated. They sent some cultures and told me that they're not sure if they are going to extubate him today. His heart rate is pretty high, in the 180s, but they told me that's common with a fever. The fellow seemed confident that the fever wouldn't hinder the breathing tube being removed because he did so awesome with sprints yesterday. We will see though. I'll update some more after rounds.
No extubation today. :( If he needs the stupid machine, then he needs it. It just sucks because I was looking forward to holding him. His fever is going down a little with Tylenol and a cool sponge bath every 15-30 minutes. They are continuing his feeds. (They stopped them at about 5 because they thought they'd be taking him off of the ventilator.) Nothing much going on today with him. His heart rate is going down a little. I am exhausted Well, i will update later if possible.
Nothing really to update. Charlie is sleeping. He was awake for quite some time this morning. It was so nice to see his eyes for so long.   :) His fever is virtually gone, and he is pooping like crazy from the Colace they gave him. His heart rate is back down. The nurse got him another blanket, but I can't cover him up because they don't want him to overheat. Teshia brought him up an Elmo blankey yesterday. This little man has a million blankets. My father said his snuggle buddy came in the mail so this weekend when he comes to visit, he can bring it to him. The nurses brought in a mobile for Charlie. I guess they figured too much TV for the little man was no good even though he loves watching it. (I spoil him!)
I talked to the social worker. We are working on getting me an appointment at Brigham and Women's for counseling and whatnot. Other than that, today has been pretty uneventful. I am waiting on Timithy to bring up Addison whenever that may be. After her visit, I will probably end up going to bed. I am tired and sad and cold.

I can't sleep, and I am so bothered tonight. I got to see Addison, and she cried for me as she left. It really upset me. I tried to fall asleep around 7:30pm because I am just so drained, but I couldn't. I ended up talking to Addison on the phone, and again, she was very sad. She kept saying she wants me, and it's horrible to have to explain to her that I can't come home until Charlie is better which could be another week!! I reached out to Tim and told him that out of everyone offering me support, the only person who knows what I am going through is him, and he is the only one I want to rely on for emotional support and for love and someone to talk to, but he literally told me he is too busy. He and I argued. I finally just told him that I get it. He can't or won't be there for me and that the emptiness in this relationship is unhealthy. I obviously cannot count on him to be the one who catches me when I fall because he is "too busy". I feel my heart breaking. I hope Charlie isn't in this much pain.
Thankfully, I have an appointment at Brigham and Women's Thursday morning to get some help. I have a support group tomorrow for parents with children in the CICU. I'm not sure if I am going to be able to go though since Tim is bringing Addison and Kayleigh up here. I miss my kids. I miss being home with them and being able to hold them and kiss them whenever I want. I am not coping well with this situation, and I don't know what to do anymore. How can I feel so lonely when there are so many people willing to be here for me? I am so tired, but I am just so upset by everything. What to do, what to do.