He only ate about an oz, but it was fantastic to be able to hold him again. We talked. (Okay, he babbled a lot.) It was amazing. For a second, I forgot how depressing this all was.
Last night, while I was laying in the sleep units, I heard a woman crying through the walls. It was heart-wrenching. I just wanted to knock on her door and hug her. This morning, I sat in the cafeteria alone, and I looked around. There were a few mothers visiting with their children. (You could hear them explaining the situation to their children. "Mommy will be home as soon as she can.") There were doctors and nurses eating, and there were other people like myself, sitting alone. This whole environment is so insanely depressing, but just the hour of holding my son and bonding with him made that all disappear. It put rose-tinted goggles on my eyes. After Charlie fell asleep and was snuggled in his crib, I walked the hallway and saw the crazy clowns in a little girl's room singing to her. I saw hope. It felt great.
I got an email from a heart mom today. I am reading the blog she made for her daughter, Michaela. (http://michaelasbrokenheart.blogspot.com/search?updated-min=2011-01-01T00:00:00-05:00&updated-max=2012-01-01T00:00:00-05:00&max-results=10) It is such a nice feeling to talk to someone who understands what I am feeling and going through.
I was thinking maybe tomorrow or Saturday, I will sleep at Tim's father's house in Brockton (about 30 minutes away from the hospital) so I can spend some time with Addison. She needs her mommy too.
I was thinking about my wedding today. Tim and I had decided to put it on hold until next year because of Charlie's sickness, but I was thinking today that I would like to have something really small, nothing like what we were originally planning. I was thinking I would like to have it sooner than September, have a ceremony in the park under the tree we first kissed or in a church, and then we could have a small reception at his grandmother's house or just go out to eat at a restaurant! I just feel like getting married would make my family feel more complete and tight-knit, and that is exactly what I would like right now. My biggest thing in life has always been my family, but you never know how important they are to you until you almost lose one of them. It just makes things so much more appreciated. Besides, it's about the marriage, the union, not the wedding. Just thought I'd throw that out there since it's on my mind. (Tim says no. He wants to wait until September 8th because it's our anniversary, and he doesn't want to have to remember a new date. Loser.)
Charlie is doing well. Hoping he will be out of the ICU by Monday and maybe out of the hospital by next week. He is being taken off of the heparin and put on aspirin and plavix. He started on amiodarone for the arrhythmia. They aren't touching his lasix today, and they will be spacing his methadone and ativan further apart. They slowly have to wean him off of that so he doesn't withdraw. He is doing very well. I can't wait until we are home already though! I know he needs to get better and everything, but still. I will update later if there is anything new. :)
I stole this from Michaela's mom's blog. (Her name is Ashley.) I thought it was awesome.
This year, nearly 100,000 women will' become mothers of handicapped children. Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen?
Somehow I visualize God hovering over Earth. As he observes, he instructs his angels to make notes.
"Armstrong, Beth; son; patron saint, Matthew. Forrest, Marjorie; daughter; patron saint, Cecilia. Finally he passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a handicapped child."
The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."
"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a handicapped child a mother who does not know laughter?"
"But has she patience?" asks the angel.
"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll handle it. I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has his own world. She has to make it live in her world and that's not going to be easy."
"But, Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."
God smiles, "No matter. I can fix that. This one is perfect.
She has just enough selfishness."
The angel gasps, "Selfishness?
God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she’ll never survive. Yes, there is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a ‘spoken’ word. She will never consider a 'step' ordinary. When her child says 'Mama' for the first time, she will be present at a miracle and know it! When she describes a tree or a sunset to her blind child, she will see it as few people ever see my creations. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see - ignorance, cruelty, prejudice - and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life."
"And what about her patron saint?" asks the angel.
God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."
I had a surprise visit from Tim's grandfather. It was really nice to get out of the hospital and let Charlie rest. Tim's grandfather and I had some really nice conversations, and it was nice to feel know that he can relate to where I am coming from somewhat. We also talked about the blog and how what I write sometimes upsets people, but I explained to him that it is a way for me to get everything out. I am alone up here, and this is a way I can get everything out and off my chest so I can be somewhat of a sane person. (Somewhat. lol) I am sorry if it offends anyone, but this is my blog. Enough of that conversation. Charlie had a good nap while Grampa and I went for coffee. He was VERY awake and alert today. I just fed him, and he ate 2 whole ozs!! We will try three next time. :D Nothing really different today. Slow and steady progress.
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